date: 12/17/2022 11:50PM

mood: hungry

eating and body

TW!!!!!! ED!!!!!!!! well hi all!! how have you guys been :)) ive been pretty good myself!!! really sorry for not keeping daily updates but ill try to be at least one a week (ik u guys just cant stand my beautiful online presence!!

i got erally depressing later on so im just gonna spam the little cat gifs :3cc

I've been thinking a lot about my body recently and how I feel about it. It's always been engrained into my head that I have to be pretty and skinny or else I've "lost myself." Hearing that type of rhetoric from an early age really does kind of destroy your self-image, and I can feel it still today in my head, egging me on. I never follow those thoughts, half of my brain is telling me to starve myself and the other half is crying that I'm not. I don't even know what category that falls into because it can't be anorexia can it? I'm binging every other day. Eating is really just...horrible...all of the time. I don't like the feeling of chewing it in my mouth, i don't like feeling it going down my through and settling in my stomach, I don't like having to excrete it at the end. It's all just so...icky...I don't like it. I never really did but even if I don't like it I still do it but now there's just so much guilt that accompanies it.

I've definitely gained weight. Visible weight. Some clothes don't fit me anymore and I want to curl up in the corner and cry until I'm skinny. Not that I'm already IRL skinny, I'm a healthy weight, but it doesn't feel skinny. I think if I ever do start really restricting I won't be able to stop because my perception of skinny is so warped I'll always be a bit flabby in the mirror. Sometimes it catches me off-guard. The bulges, the soft and smooth planes of my upper body. It used to be all bones and I could stick my whole fist in between my thights and I wasn't even trying to lose weight. Ever since I started caring about calories the scale has just gone up and up. I can't go back to not-caring. It isn't the same. I'll be too busy trying to not care about calories that I do end up caring and I'll just keep binging. It feels like it'll never end. I can think about starving myself all I want but no matter how much I think about it or even do it, nothing matters in the end. So I guess I should just...accept it. My body. I don't want to. But I should, shouldn't I?

anyway!! happy late birthday beethoven mwah mwah ilyguys so much xxx