date: 12/11/2022

mood: messy

thoughts...lots of thoughts...

making a site is a lot more work than i expected but oh well what is one to do...most of this is still a wip (how do i make an abt me page i just used a templete for this one...) but im having fun so thats all that matters!!! using punctuation goes against my principles so dont expect to see any here!!! im thinking about using this blog to also post my little philosophical ramblings ! ^_^ i really hate when other people in the real world do it to me and i would hate to do it to other ppl so i think ill talk abt it here :))

you ever think about being a kid again?? i sure do...a lot of the time...techincally im still a kid (bday so excited :3c) but i dont know?? i dont feel "mature" like at all but at the same time i dont feel all that innocent. i really wish i was one or the other instead of this weird inbetween of kid and tween and teen. i guess this really wont matter to me when im an adult but im a kid and it matters so me so ill talk about it! i dont know why i feel like i have to justify having concerns i guess growing up on modern social media has kind of made it so that i have to prove my existence is valid or even worth talking about because in the grand scheme of things theres a lot of other stuff to be worried war and drugs and dying. i really do miss being a kid. i think im definitely out of that part of my life and i feel like i really didnt get to experience it but does anyone really?? when youre a kid you dont value being a kid because to you, its just normal life and it will stay like that forever...until it doesnt :(( i want to complain about "wasting my childhood away" (i did...didnt i?) but thats really just me a few years ago being Weird. i definitely didnt have it not at all..i dont have any life-altering trauma or a bad home life i just feel like i spent it...somewhere else?? i spent too much time online and i never had friends or people to talk to or things to do outside of the computer. so i kinda lived real-life like it was something to read about, a star of my own tv show only i wasnt pretty or all that smart or all that cool or interesting but i was just me. i was a loser!! like a really big loser!!! i smelled and dressed weird and didnt brush my hair or brush my teeth or take showers and would wear the same clothes all the time...idk

i say all that not to prove i had a bad childhood, far from it. i really enjoyed childhood i think!! but now i feel like im in a state where i could enjoy it a lot more...i guess the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. i dont want to know everything i know now. i want to return to childhood to return to a state of ignorance and bliss. i was reading catcher in the rye in english class, and holden caulfield has a weird sex thing about innocence and how hes only nice to virgins (which is kinda weird even tho i love holden) and it made me think that /i/ want to return to a state of innocence. not to please a fictional holden caulfield but because it reminded me of when i was an innocent kid. innocence can be defined however you want and you can be as edgy as you want but i think we all want to go back to Not Knowing Anything.

innocence is created by awe. we see something so grand, so amazing, we cant help but feel so small and unknowing. we dont even think to think about anything. when youre a kid, youre in awe of everything. how green the leaves are, the little bugs biting at your knees, how the streetlamps go on and off and on and off, how your parents can pick you up and twirl you around, how there are over 43 quintillion combinations on a rubiks cube. its a lot!! you feel so small in all these things and youre so distracted with curiousity. eventually that curiousity leads to knowledge which leads to suffering. (if i can make a world history connection to this, curiousity is desire and desire brings suffering in buddhism...youre so right ms. wright...) we lose our innocence when we know the truth of the world. the leaves are green because of chlorophyll, the bugs are Culex pipiens yes you have a test on that on friday, the streetlamps go on and off because of in internal mess of wires and circuits, your parents can pick you up because you are 43 pounds, etc. we all lose our innocence, its inevitable. its probably good. in the long run at least

but current me doesnt care about the long run!!! i care about the now, the timeframe where it feels like i know too much and i really know so little and i want to go back to knowing even less because its all so overwhelming. ive devised a strategy on how to "bring back" innocence. or at least, the feeling in your heart when you learn something about something you never even learned to think about.

the key is to find wonder again. to be in awe again. to appreciate the little things in life and not so you can remember them all when youre old but so you can just go..."woa". memories are for losers!!! ride your bike, sing your songs!! life means nothing in the end but that really just means you have so many opportunities to live :)) so go confess your love, give a compliment, go on that run, surf the web, read that book, make that blog post. you can die at any second but that doesnt mean anything and you cant live your life in fear, getting ready for the future when youre completely missing the present

wow... uhm... i got really off-topic...sorry...(not!!) these all will probably turn into motivational rants..which i hope will be fine)