date: 12/26/2022 9:00PM

mood: bye!!

final update

hi!! after further consideration this section of my website will no longer be published online (for some reason having very personal thoughts on the internet for people to see makes me a little uneasy...) the previous entries will still be up but my week-long neocities obsession has somewhat subsided ^_^ merry christmas guys!!

date: 12/19/2022 11:50PM

mood: HUH????

i got covid :((


im asymptomatic (thank god, my mother has it too and is just kinda dying in her bedroom ) but it still really sucks :(( i have a soreish throat but my entire family is acting like im dying its kind of getting on my nerves.

i am aura julia lotusbeds. my parents are dad lotusbeds and mom lotusbeds. my wife is science twilight sparkle. if you find this, then i am gone. but all of this had nothing to do with you. i love you very much. im on hour 14 quarantined in my room with no end in site...i havent touched grass or seen the sun this entire day...the following hours will be difficult soldier..but we must carry through. transmission over

genuinely though I havent left my room and am kind of going stir-crazy!!! my family cant come in and i cant talk to them so they periodically just yell across the house which does irritate me a tad but i appreciate the effort . currently they drop food off outside my door and bring me my necessities...lots of fluids and media are being consumed i promise!!

in order to keep busy, my dad has given me a sewing machine to install in my room...i wouldve preferred it downstairs but a girls do what they gotta do and i gotta survive!!! i managed to get it working which is kind of a miracle bc the machine is 40 years old and..very greasy... (eugh) but its very high quality and im thankful i have it...(way better than the singer one i worked on at school..) tbh the hardest part is always threading the machine and i still dont know if i did it right but it works so thats all that matters. ive been doing my best to keep my sewing materials well-organized but what do people even do with all the excess thread??? where does it go??? does it just kinda...hang out on my desk??? would be appreciated

my favorite thing to do recently is watch breaking bad while i knit...its so soothing and like im genuinely hooked. when theyre trapped in the rv im sweating and shaking im so stressed for them its kinda embarrassing...but i have lots of progress on my scarf which is the important bit. i can wrap it all the way around my neck by now...with all this extra free time (im out of school for the next week and then break ;-;) i should be able to finish it by christmas. the scarf is for my mom bc she wanted a really big painting but i kinda hate the idea so im just giving her a nice handknitted scarf in her favorite color and hoping that suffices. tbh i really should not have gone w the seed stich its takinig forever and doesnt even look all that good but oh...what can you do :(

i did a lot of updates to the site!! the iframe was really small and was bugging me so i just made it wide and added a couple of things to the links page :3c. i hope to eventually have a consistent stream of art on here as well as clean up the misc page (which is really more of a code testing page atp but oh well...) by golly i sure have my work cut out for me...

ive been fantasizing a lot about becoming more academically accomplished...i was planning on majoring in bio as premed but i might become a biologist im enjoying this a lot...we will see tho >:) tbh ive kinda given up on my ive league dreams ill settle for a top 100.. (though 97% of my school goes to a top 100 college but whatever...its still what i tell myself at least..) but im gonna study hard!!! this illness will not crush my dreams of becoming a doctor...just u wait!!

thats all i have for today folks, thanks for watching and make sure to hit the subscribe button, peace!! xx

date: 12/14/2022 11:50PM

mood: superman - eminem on loop!!


tbh this is really more of an online web diary than it is a blog i should probably rename it or smth...but i still wanna be a Girlblogger :3c

HI KATE!!! idk if ur reading this but hi!!!!! hii!!! hruu :3c im good tysm!!! arent u so excited for orchestra and math and ur in class essay tmr ahahh :)) i made some minor edits to the website (i rlly hated the old font...i like this one much better!!) and i SWEAR ill work on the other pages SOON I SWEAR :((( but im rlly busy w schoolwork absolutely swamped (i havent been binging breaking bad not at all..) and also coding rlly gets on u at some point..

ANYWAY!!! i might be reentering my my little pony phase...the absolute GRIP equestria girls has on me i am literally in love with scitwi she is so MECORE!!!! BLARSGHDGEHG I LOVE HER SM :(((

on the topic of watching breaking bad im sorry but i really could not cope w a quarter of the stuff the characters are going thru like at one point or another im just offing myself im sorry T_T i can barely handle my friends being mildly annoyed w me no way am i going to be able to cope w my wife sleeping w her boss like...i love jesse pinkman i dont CARE if hes a criminal i LOVE him and i will WOOBIUWUIFY him all i want!!! just watch me!!!

i genuinely do not have a lot to say so i cant provide any thoughtful philosophical insight today ... bye!!

date: 12/13/2022 10:05PM

mood: cough cough couhghgh

sick :((

so yknow yesterday well turns out i was sick and i stayed home today :((

it didnt feel all that much different from a normal day i slept in until 2 which is around when im done with school so it just felt like a normal afternoon. nothing special at all really. oh!! in terms of media consumption though (should i make a section for reviewing media/talking abt my interests?? maybe...) i finished wednesday!!! heres my review: it was great i had a fun time but it felt really rushed and underdeveloped.

honestly the worst thing to happen to cinema in recent history is the shortening of seasons from 23 episodes to 8. give me more content please!! i have no connection at all to characters if i barely get to see them outside of the central plot. i think it can all be pinned down to mid-2010s youtube reviewers complaining about "filler" so much. i love filler episode so much you dont get it...theyre like little fanfics but actually canon and you can see their interpersonal relationships and all that :(( theyre so fun!! and people took it away because they only want plot and plot and twists and turns and cant appreciate a shows setting.

i think a show like wednesday can easily be more character-focused like god you have one of the most iconic characters of the 20th century and you barely develop her and put her in some murder mistery cw crime show like what are you doing?? i feel like i barely got to experience wednesday's and enid's relationship. like maybe a few scenes but thats all really how are we supposed to be convinced that theyre super close?? and same with the love triangle... to be honest i hate love triangles and i hated this one even more but itd be great to see tylers and xaviers personal relationship and make it more 3d compared to what it was...i feel like the only relationship really fleshed out was wednesdays and tylers which i hated so much!!! i felt zero connection to xavier im sorry i hated him so much. but tyler... :3c i can woobify tyler all day long!! lil guy!!! lil crazy psycho maniac i love him uwu

anyway i also finished season 2 of breaking bad and...JANE :((( I LOVED HER SM...

i think thats all youre getting out of me man im actually so out of it rn :(( bye guys love u xx

date: 12/12/2022 11:40PM

mood: aging...

birth!! :3c

todays my birthday!! wow...i feel so old!! just kidding i feel exactly the same. if anything, i only really started feeling 13 or so...

what do people do on their birthdays??? i feel like i have to do sometihng special but at the same time i want it to be lowkey. nobody at school even knew it was my birthday so no attention :(( i had my birthday party on the 9th but that also felt kinda unspecial too man :((( i dont wanna be ungrateful but i feel like society sets you up to have such high expectations of what a good birthday is that you cant help but be let down. (i think theres some phil-osophies quote applicable here...) but still!! i had fun :3c i went to a local chinese place for dinner and had some excellent orange chicken (my mom didnt like their hot and sour soup tho...) and my new violin arrived!!! now i have a full size one which will hopefully be easier to play on...

speaking of violin :3c im gonna be starting bach's concerto in a minor!! whoop whoop

in terms of gifts the haul has been pretty mom got me a really nice pink hoodie, my friends have been wonderful and my brother gave me $5 ^_^ (never change...never change) but material goods dont matter!! its all about the birthday spirit. another year successfully lived!!! lets go!!

but idk?? it didnt really feel like /my birthday/ it felt like just a normal school day (even a below-average one...i was sick and coughing hacking the whole time ugh :/) i guess what i really need for my birthday is attention!! i love attention man :3c only i never get any :((

on mondays i have swim so i went swimming and a. completely failed at the dolphin kick (i still dont get it...) b. moved up a level!! look my me master swimmer and c. my thights are absolutely exhausted woough

im really debating whether or not to call in sick tmr because i just feel So Out of it but ik ill a. never get any work done and b. im really looking forward to speech :(( ill probably end up going anyway but goodnight guys!! love yall xx

date: 12/11/2022

mood: COLD!!!



i woke up really late and wow!! it was already snowing :)) fat white flakes and all...only by the time i got dressed and rushed downstairs all the snow had turned to rain...

its been snowing for most of the day but no buildup...the temp is 34F which is right above freezing ugh just 2 degrees lower world cmon.

date: 12/11/2022

mood: messy

thoughts...lots of thoughts...

making a site is a lot more work than i expected but oh well what is one to do...most of this is still a wip (how do i make an abt me page i just used a templete for this one...) but im having fun so thats all that matters!!! using punctuation goes against my principles so dont expect to see any here!!! im thinking about using this blog to also post my little philosophical ramblings ! ^_^ i really hate when other people in the real world do it to me and i would hate to do it to other ppl so i think ill talk abt it here :))

you ever think about being a kid again?? i sure do...a lot of the time...techincally im still a kid (bday so excited :3c) but i dont know?? i dont feel "mature" like at all but at the same time i dont feel all that innocent. i really wish i was one or the other instead of this weird inbetween of kid and tween and teen. i guess this really wont matter to me when im an adult but im a kid and it matters so me so ill talk about it! i dont know why i feel like i have to justify having concerns i guess growing up on modern social media has kind of made it so that i have to prove my existence is valid or even worth talking about because in the grand scheme of things theres a lot of other stuff to be worried war and drugs and dying. i really do miss being a kid. i think im definitely out of that part of my life and i feel like i really didnt get to experience it but does anyone really?? when youre a kid you dont value being a kid because to you, its just normal life and it will stay like that forever...until it doesnt :(( i want to complain about "wasting my childhood away" (i did...didnt i?) but thats really just me a few years ago being Weird. i definitely didnt have it not at all..i dont have any life-altering trauma or a bad home life i just feel like i spent it...somewhere else?? i spent too much time online and i never had friends or people to talk to or things to do outside of the computer. so i kinda lived real-life like it was something to read about, a star of my own tv show only i wasnt pretty or all that smart or all that cool or interesting but i was just me. i was a loser!! like a really big loser!!! i smelled and dressed weird and didnt brush my hair or brush my teeth or take showers and would wear the same clothes all the time...idk

i say all that not to prove i had a bad childhood, far from it. i really enjoyed childhood i think!! but now i feel like im in a state where i could enjoy it a lot more...i guess the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. i dont want to know everything i know now. i want to return to childhood to return to a state of ignorance and bliss. i was reading catcher in the rye in english class, and holden caulfield has a weird sex thing about innocence and how hes only nice to virgins (which is kinda weird even tho i love holden) and it made me think that /i/ want to return to a state of innocence. not to please a fictional holden caulfield but because it reminded me of when i was an innocent kid. innocence can be defined however you want and you can be as edgy as you want but i think we all want to go back to Not Knowing Anything.

innocence is created by awe. we see something so grand, so amazing, we cant help but feel so small and unknowing. we dont even think to think about anything. when youre a kid, youre in awe of everything. how green the leaves are, the little bugs biting at your knees, how the streetlamps go on and off and on and off, how your parents can pick you up and twirl you around, how there are over 43 quintillion combinations on a rubiks cube. its a lot!! you feel so small in all these things and youre so distracted with curiousity. eventually that curiousity leads to knowledge which leads to suffering. (if i can make a world history connection to this, curiousity is desire and desire brings suffering in buddhism...youre so right ms. wright...) we lose our innocence when we know the truth of the world. the leaves are green because of chlorophyll, the bugs are Culex pipiens yes you have a test on that on friday, the streetlamps go on and off because of in internal mess of wires and circuits, your parents can pick you up because you are 43 pounds, etc. we all lose our innocence, its inevitable. its probably good. in the long run at least

but current me doesnt care about the long run!!! i care about the now, the timeframe where it feels like i know too much and i really know so little and i want to go back to knowing even less because its all so overwhelming. ive devised a strategy on how to "bring back" innocence. or at least, the feeling in your heart when you learn something about something you never even learned to think about.

the key is to find wonder again. to be in awe again. to appreciate the little things in life and not so you can remember them all when youre old but so you can just go..."woa". memories are for losers!!! ride your bike, sing your songs!! life means nothing in the end but that really just means you have so many opportunities to live :)) so go confess your love, give a compliment, go on that run, surf the web, read that book, make that blog post. you can die at any second but that doesnt mean anything and you cant live your life in fear, getting ready for the future when youre completely missing the present

wow... uhm... i got really off-topic...sorry...(not!!) these all will probably turn into motivational rants..which i hope will be fine)

date: 12/10/2022

mood: so excited!!

my first post!!!

OMG GUYS!!!! this is my first ever post and first time working with html im absolutely ecstatic this is working at all ^_^

this is gonna act as well...a blog?? ive never run one before... im kinda getting sick of conventional social medias and i think the concept of little personal decentralized internet spaces is so cool plus the aesthetic of all the really jarring bright colorful blinkies...amazing

i hope i can keep up with this tho, im scared?? idk i need to find out how to do an in website editor for these posts idk how other people do it...the neocities community seems so fun like genuinely T_T it makes me so nostalgic for a time on the internet i wanst a part of :(( i kinda wish i grew up on these kinds of personal websites..

anyway!! this will not be exclusively blogging...there will be art and discussion and breakdowns and really anything that comes to mind :)) maybe i can post information where people can see it..ooooo....